When we wrote our book, one of our first steps was to send out a survey to find out what experiences and concerns men and their partners had about prostate play. Among our other questions, we asked men to tell us how often prostate play was part of their anal sex experiences, and the answers were all over the map. We heard from one guy who loves to receive anal sex, but doesn’t really like prostate stimulation. We heard from several who said that prostate massage was the entire point, so it’s always part of their anal sex. And most of the answers fell somewhere in the middle, ranging from sometimes to usually.
This is really important because a lot of people assume that prostate stimulation is the reason why men enjoy receiving anal play. In reality, a lot of men have plenty of anal sex experience and think it’s a lot of fun, without doing much prostate play. Of course, some of them might be receiving prostate stimulation without realizing it, in the same way that some women don’t realize that their favorite intercourse position is perfect for G-spot stimulation. But a lot of guys have told us that once they discovered what prostate pleasure can feel like, they realized that it was something totally different from what they had been doing before. That means that we have to recognize that anal sex doesn’t always mean prostate stimulation.
That makes a lot of sense to me. Both the anus and the prostate are packed with sensitive nerves, but they feel totally different. Once you learn to pay attention to the different sensations, you’ll see what I mean. Mixing them together is like putting two flavors of food together- it’s a totally new pleasure, though of course, they can each be pretty amazing on their own. But it’s important to let go of the assumption that the reason many guys like anal sex is because of the prostate. It’s true for some, but not for everyone.
This question has come up a lot in my workshops on prostate play for gay men, especially when I talk about massage or using the Aneros. A lot of queer men like to talk about being size queens, or being able to receive anal penetration from a partner with a big penis. Some guys are really pleased with themselves for being able to do that. Many of them enjoy the sensation of being filled with a large penis or dildo. I’m certainly not saying that there’s anything wrong with that. But sometimes, these kinds of attitudes get in the way of exploring how much fun prostate play can be.
That’s because prostate pleasure doesn’t require a large object. Instead, it requires firm, focused pressure. Think about getting a massage. There’s a difference between having a thumb or a knuckle dig into a sore muscle, or having someone’s palm press into it. The palm spreads the pressure out over a larger area, creating a broader but less intense sensation. The smaller surface area of a thumb means you get a more focused and deeper quality to the massage. In fact, after a certain point, a larger dildo or penis doesn’t necessarily provide more prostate sensations. Once it’s as wide as the prostate, there’s maximum surface area contact, so going bigger doesn’t add much.
I always think it’s ironic that so many gay men reject massage or the Aneros, saying things like “what’s that going to do for me?” My suggestion is to try it and see for yourself. If you’re like a lot of the guys I’ve spoken with, you have a treat in store for you. Trust me.
If you want to add prostate fun during sex with a partner, try giving him a prostate massage while also giving him a blow job. Time your finger motions and your oral action to drive him wild. And remember- the prostate doesn’t always like really hard pressure. Use about as much force as you would when you’re typing. Use a regular rhythm and experiment with different finger moves. We describe more than a dozen options in our book, so there are lots of possibilities.
Or try one of the Aneros toys. You can wear it while giving or getting a blow job, or while masturbating. Each time you contract your pelvic floor, it’ll lever the toy into your prostate for hands-free fun. If you aren’t sure what “contract your pelvic floor” means, it’s the same motion that you can do to make your erection bounce. It’s also the muscle contraction that happens during ejaculation, which makes orgasm even more fun. And since their toys are all about the size of a finger, it’s like having having the firm pressure of a finger on your prostate with each squeeze. There’s a reason they’ve sold over one million of their toys, so don’t let your ideas about bigger always being better get in the way of your fun.
I have to admit that I’ve been enjoying hearing from gay men who have finally discovered prostate play. Once they see that we’re suggesting “in addition to,” rather than “instead of,” they’ve been much more willing to give it a try and so far, the results have been really positive. Besides, even the most experienced anal player has days when his body just isn’t up for anal intercourse. Isn’t it great to have more options?
Charlie
I'm a writer, blogger, teacher, workshop facilitator, sex & relationship coach, and a certified somatic sex educator. I teach workshops and seminars on many different sexuality topics, including sex-positivity, sex & shame, communities of erotic affiliation, many different sexual practices, gender & masculinity, and sexual politics. Contact me for more information, to arrange a speaking engagement, or to find out how I can help you create an amazing sex life.
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I don’t really expect someone who co-authored a book on prostate massages to not betray some bias. Anal intercourse and a prostate massage are indeed “different” activities, but you seem to be overly concerned on specifics on how “deep” a prostate massage is or how “not deep” anal intercourse is and I feel that it is just a pointless endeavor. Receptive anal intercourse is indeed much more than just prostate stimulation or nerve endings located around the anus and rectum or how “filled” you are. On the other hand, you choose to ignore the most important sex organ: the brain. When two men engage in anal intercourse, it is so much more than just this or that organ and how best to stimulate it; it is also the sheer intensity that is the act itself of joining two bodies (and its uniqueness vis-a-vis male homosexuality), brought to whole new levels when there is a deep romantic attachment between the two parties. That is the critical element that you are ignoring.