If you missed our interview yesterday on Sex Out Loud with Tristan Taormino, here’s your chance to listen in! We talked about how to ask your partner to try prostate play, some favorite massage techniques, what to do if your sweetie thinks of anal play as domination (and you don’t), our upcoming tour, and much more. We had a great time with Tristan and I know you’ll enjoy hearing it.
Looking For A Realistic Dildo? Check out VixSkin
Plenty of folks like realistic dildos for their prostate play, and there are lots of options out there. Maybe it’s the extra bit of life-like appearance that makes the fantasy work. Maybe it’s the shape of the head as it slides across the prostate. But when it comes to finding a dildo that looks and feels as much like a penis as possible, you can’t do better than VixSkin dildos from Vixen Creations.
VixSkin is 100% silicone, so just like other silicone toys, it’s easy to clean. Soap and hot water does a great job, and if you want to take it even further, wash it and then put it in boiling water for five minutes or the top rack of a dishwasher. VixSkin is non-porous, body-safe, and hypoallergenic. But what really makes it an amazing material is the texture.
Silicone dildos are made by pouring the liquid silicone into a mold and then pulling them out after it sets. That gives them a consistent texture throughout the entire length of the toy. VixSkin is made the same way, but there’s a firmer inner core that’s then put in a mold for a second time and coated with a softer outer layer. When you squeeze the shaft with your hand, it has a texture much more like a penis than any other dildo on the market. Plus, the head of the toy is almost entirely made from the softer layer, so it has that same squishy feel that penises have. Not only is that more realistic, it’s also more comfortable during deep penetration.
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VixSkin dildos are more flexible than most other silicone toys. That add some extra realism, and it also makes pegging a little easier since the dildo flexes when you shift positions. A really firm dildo can feel great, but if you’re not at just the right angle, it can poke. That extra bit of bendability can make a big difference.
Another advantage of VixSkin is that the softer texture makes anal penetration easier. If you’re new to anal play, you might find these dildos a great way to start. And if you get turned on by playing with larger toys, VixSkin’s extra give makes them easier to accommodate. Heads up, though- the extra flexibility can make them a little trickier to use in a harness, at least until you get used to it.
The only downside to VixSkin is that silicone lubricants can damage the material. So use a water-based lube or cover your toy with a condom, all the way over the base.
You can get VixSkin in a variety of sizes and colors, though they mostly come in an approximation three different skin tones. The Vixen website offers all of the available choices, and you can get lots of them at stores like Good Vibrations. Because of the extra steps in manufacturing, they do cost a bit more than some other options, but if you want something that looks amazing and feels fantastic, they’re definitely worth it. And even if you don’t care about the realism factor, the texture and the flexibility are major pluses. So pick one up today and see for yourself why these toys truly are “worth every inch.”
How Pegging Can Help Save The World
It’s a cliche that before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, but that’s because there’s a lot of truth to that statement. After all, once you’ve experienced something from another person’s perspective, it’s much easier to imagine what it’s like for them. That’s one reason why I think pegging can go a long way toward improving things. Pegging is the term for when women use dildos and strap-on harnesses with male partners. (Is there a different term when people of other genders use strap-ons with male partners?) And while the main reason people do it is because it’s lots of fun, I think there’s an added benefit that lots of folks don’t know about.
There have been plenty of books written about how male/female couples can improve their relationships by learning to see things from the other person’s perspective. Of course, that’s helpful for couples of all gender combinations and sexual orientations, but the differences in both biology and experience often create barriers for m/f pairs. Pegging is a surprisingly effective way to find out what sex is like for your partner.
For men who have never been on the receiving side of penetration, sex is something that happens outside the body. And when sex is external to your body, it can be easier to do when you have a headache or you’re not quite in the mood. A lot of men discover than when sex is about catching rather than pitching, their mood, their emotions, and their connection to a partner can often have a bigger influence on what they want to do and how it feels.
I’ve talked with quite a few men about what they’ve learned from pegging and although it isn’t universal, many of them have said that they have a better understanding how their female partners might need more warm-up before intercourse, or might be in the mood for sex but not penetration, or how much one’s pleasure can be affected by seemingly minor events. Granted, anal penetration is different from vaginal penetration, but my point is simply that a physical experience can be a much more effective teacher than reading a book, just as a picture is worth 1000 words.
On the flip side, when they try pegging, a lot of women discover how much work, responsibility, and (sometimes) power can go along with fucking someone. And that’s without worrying about their cock ejaculating too soon, getting soft at random moments, or being the wrong size (assuming they have choices- there are lots of dildo options out there).
So while I’m not suggesting that it’s a cure-all, I do think that trying out sex from the other side can make it easier to understand and have compassion for your partner. That isn’t limited to m/f couples or, for that matter, pegging. But given how many heterosexual folks have never tried strap-on play, it does seem like there’s an unmet need there. It won’t make communication miraculously easy and it won’t fix everything about sexism or gender-based inequities. What it can do (besides being lots of fun) is help people develop empathy, compassion, and understanding for their partners. And the more of that we have in the world, the better.
Want to try it out? Check out our book The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners for a great overview of how to do it. Or check out this page on pegging and anal intercourse for plenty of tips to get you started.
Pegging for Femmes: The Sasha Couture Harness
There are lots of ways to enjoy pegging and lots of different harnesses on the market. For some women, wearing a strap-on can be a fun way to explore gender and role play. But other folks want a harness that has a more femme appearance. If that’s you, you’ll want to check out the Sasha Couture Harness.
Made from machine washable fabric, the Sasha brings a much different look to harnesses. The O-ring is integrated into the front panel so there are no snaps to bump into someone’s tender parts. The ribbon ties on the side let you wear it as booty shorts or as high-cut panties, and you can add stockings with the detachable garters or take the straps off if you want a different look. With the decorative trim and ruched accents across the back, the overall look and feel is decidedly different from the usual leather harnesses.
The Sasha can accommodate dildos up to 2 1/4 inch wide, so it’ll work with almost any toy. And there are two pockets for vibrating eggs to give both the wearer and the receiver a little extra thrill. All in all, the Sasha has a whole lot to make pegging as fun as it is stylish!
Most harnesses come with adjustable straps, but the Sasha simply pulls on. That makes it really easy to use, but you do need to pick the right size since the waist strap needs to be snug to give you a solid hold. Fortunately, they make it in a range of sizes:
XS: 26-28 in. (66-71cm)
Small: 29-32 in. (73-81cm)
Medium: 33-37 in. (83-94cm)
Large: 38-40 in. (96-101cm)
XL: 41-44 in. (104-111cm)
2X: 45-48 in. (114-122cm)
3X: 49-52 in. (124-132cm)
Here are some helpful sizing tips from the manufacturer:
Choose your harness size based on both your actual body measurements and body shape, not based on your typical pant or jean size, which varies significantly between brands, designs, and cuts. Please don’t skip this step: the right size harness will give you the most comfort and support, and will always look better than a size that’s just “almost right.”
GET THE CORRECT FIT:
1. Get your lower waist/hip measurement. Wrap a measuring tape around your waist, about 1 inch (2.5 cm) below your pelvic bone. Mark the number where the tape measure completes and crosses over itself.
2. Use that measurement, as well as your body shape, to determine your size. Sasha performs best when your body fills out the harness, so choosing the right size is crucial. You should take your body shape into account before selecting a size. To do so, think of your body in terms of moon phases:
FULL MOON bodies have beautiful, fuller curves.
If you were to view this body shape from the side, you would see a half-moon shape in rear, and a quarter to half-moon shape in front, where the stomach is. If you have a full moon shape…choose the next size up.THREE-QUARTER MOON bodies have a balance of curves and planes.
If you were to view this body shape from the side, you would see a quarter-moon shape in front and a half-moon shape in rear, or a a flatter front stomach area and a fuller three quarter-moon in rear. This body shape typically has a fuller butt and, sometimes, wider hips. If you have a three-quarter moon shape…choose the next size up.HALF-MOON bodies are curvier in rear, flatter in front.
If you were to view this body shape from the side, you would see a half-moon shape in rear. If you have a half-moon shape…stay to the size chart.QUARTER /CRESCENT MOON bodies have gentler, less pronounced curves in rear.
If you were to view this body shape from the side, you would see a quarter (or crescent) shape sloping from the tailbone to the top of the thigh. If you have a quarter/crescent moon shape…choose the next size down. If you have a quarter/crescent moon shape in rear, BUT a quarter to full-moon
If pegging turns you on and you want a harness that’ll coordinate with your lingerie, you can’t do better than the Sasha. Pick one up and see for yourself!
What Is Prostate Milking?
One of the tricky things about sex terminology is that a lot of sexual act have multiple terms (think about how many different ways there are to talk about intercourse) and some words have multiple meanings. Prostate milking is one of those phrases that can mean a few different things.
What is Prostate Milking?
For some folks, prostate milking simply means prostate massage. We’ve heard some guys use this phrase to talk about any kind of prostate massage, whether it’s erotic or therapeutic, especially when prostatic fluid is released into the urethra and comes out of the tip of the penis.
Other folks think of prostate milking as the experience of having a prostate orgasm without any direct penis stimulation. This is less common when someone is new to prostate pleasure, and plenty of guys with lots of experience never have that happen. That’s totally ok- it’s similar to how some women can orgasm from G-spot stimulation while others need other sensations to get them over the top.
Still another way to think of prostate milking is a prostate massage technique that’s meant to stroke and squeeze the fluids into the urethra, sort of like wringing out a sponge. Place your finger on the outside edge of the prostate and apply firm pressure, sliding from the edge to the center. Repeat a few times before switching to the other side. This massages the fluids out of the microscopic glands, into the urethra. Follow this up with a top-to-bottom stroke down the center to encourage the fluids out of the prostate.
This last kind of prostate milking can be done for different reasons. Some men simply enjoy the sensations it provides. Some couples do it as part of a BDSM game or role play. And some folks do it for prostate health. The idea is that flushing out fluids and clearing blocked glands helps the body get rid of harmful wastes and pathogens that might cause problems.
Whatever you call it and however you do it, remember that the goal is to feel good. Try a few different techniques or positions and see what works for you. We have lots of tips and ideas in our book!
Get Into Position With The Liberator Wedge & Ramp
One of the most important things you can do to make anal penetration easy and pleasurable is to be able to relax into it. The muscles of your pelvic floor almost never switch off. In fact, other than your heart, they’re some of the hardest working muscles in your body. The only time they relax (other than when you’re enjoying anal play) is when you go to the bathroom. Otherwise, they’re on the job, all the time.
It takes some practice to learn to turn these muscles off, especially for men since guys often have too-tight pelvic floors. If you spend a lot of time sitting, whether it’s at a desk or in a car, there’s a good chance your muscles have difficulty relaxing unless you learn how to do it. It’ll depend on your body, of course, and what position you’re in. Fortunately, there are some great products that can help a lot.
The Liberator Wedge and Ramp make it much easier to get into a comfortable position and stay there. Sure, you can just use a regular pillow but these offer some advantages that cushions from your couch simply don’t.
Both of these cushions are made from a dense foam, so they hold their shape and give you lots of support. They won’t compress down like your bed pillow does, so once you find the right position, you’ll stay there. Then, there’s a waterproof cover, which keeps the foam clean and unzips so you can toss it in the wash. On top of that, there’s a soft velour cover. Not only does it feel good on your skin, it also keeps the cushion from sliding on your bed when things get vigorous. Of course, it also unzips for easy cleaning.
The Wedge is smaller and it lends itself really well to positions like being on your back. It lifts your hips up for easy access and the angle is just right for pegging and anal intercourse, because having your hips above your shoulders makes penetration easier for the giver and the receiver. And if prostate massage is on the menu, it’s a lot easier for the giver to sit between your legs because you’re up higher.
That’s not all, of course. Since the Wedge gives you plenty of support, you don’t have to work at all to keep your legs in the right position. You might want to support your knees with your hands, but that’s a lot less effort than trying to do it when you’re flat on the bed. That means you can relax more, and that makes the whole experience much easier and more fun.
If you want, you can also turn over and lie across the Wedge, but I think the Ramp makes that work better because you can keep your spine straight instead of being in a back bend. And again, whether you have massage, pegging, or intercourse in mind, you can simply relax and melt into the firm support. You’ll be amazed at how much easier and more fun that makes things!
The Ramp also works if you want to be on your back, but it requires your partner to be tall enough to be able to reach you. It also helps if you have a pillow or the Wedge under your head. Either way, it’s a fantastic way to lie back and have a great time.
If your storage space is limited, get the Wedge since it’s smaller, so you can slide it under the bed. But if you have the room for the Ramp, it’s definitely worth adding to your collection. They both make relaxing into anal play a lot easier. Plus, if you enjoy cunnilingus or spanking, they help for that, too! All in all, these are great products that’ll put a smile on your face.
Charm: The Perfect Pegging Dildo
I think it’s really great that more male/female couples are exploring pegging. Strap-on harnesses & dildos are a really sexy way to explore prostate play and they leave the giver’s hands free for all sorts of other fun.
The tricky thing is that a lot of dildos that are slim enough to work well for anal and prostate play tend to be too short to work well in a harness. Either they slip out of the receiver too easily or they end up poking into the prostate rather than gliding along it. Ouch! So when Pleasure Works came out with the Charm Silicone Dildo, I knew they had a winner.
The Charm comes in two sizes: 5 3/4″ x 1″ (14.6cm x 2.5cm) and 7″ x 1 1/4″ (17.8cm x 3.2cm). That makes it not much wider than a couple of fingers, so it’s really easy for most men to accommodate. The length makes sure that you get that gliding sensation without accidentally jabbing the prostate with the tip. It also means you can get a solid in-and-out thrusting going without accidentally pulling all the way out. So the Charm works great for the giver and the receiver!
The Charm has enough of a curve to make it easy to reach the prostate. Just angle it towards the belly button of the guy on the receiving end. That means, have the curve pointing up if he’s on his back and pointing down if he’s on his hands and knees. And the base is shaped like an oval (you can’t see it in the picture), so it fits in harnesses even better than the usual circular bases. All in all, the Charm is a fantastic!
Want an extra thrill? Insert the Charm by hand and hold an electric vibrator like the Hitachi Magic Wand up against it. The silicone will transmit the vibration all the way up the shaft! Or slide the Charm in and out with your hand during oral sex or while using your other hand on his penis. It’s a really versatile toy.
Cleaning the Charm is simple. It’s made from non-porous, hypoallergenic, body-safe silicone so you can wash it with hot water and soap. If you want to take it a bit further, after you wash it, put it in boiling water for five minutes or the top rack of a dishwasher.
If you’re looking for a fantastic dildo for prostate pleasure, especially pegging, get the Charm Silicone Dildo. Excellent design, easy to clean, and sure to put a smile in his face!
Getting Started With Anal Play? Try the Bootie Plug
If you’re just starting out with prostate play, you might feel a little nervous about anal penetration. It takes a little know-how to make it feel good, as well plenty of practice. But even guys who have been doing it for a while can sometimes need to take it slow at the beginning of a session. It makes sense- warming up and stretching before a workout at the gym makes a big difference, and there’s no reason that doesn’t apply to anal penetration.
I’m a big fan of the Bootie Silicone Anal Plug for that. The slim profile makes it easy to use and the asymmetric shape makes insertion much smoother than many more traditional anal plugs. The shaft is long enough to fit inside the anal canal, and the bulb is a good size to keep it in place. Plus, the base is quite slim, so it fits comfortably between your butt cheeks.
The Bootie isn’t likely to reach your prostate, but it’s a good way to help your body relax. Since you can leave it in place, you can wear it during solo sex or sex with a partner. Heck- you can even wear it while walking around, though you might want to practice with it at home before going out to a restaurant! If you want a fun time, try having an orgasm while you have it in- that’s a favorite of a lot of guys.
And then, of course, you can always warm up with the Bootie before moving on to a different toy, prostate massage, or pegging. Whether you want to use it on your own or with someone else, the Bootie is a fun toy.
Cleaning the Bootie is easy. Since it’s silicone, it’s non-porous and hot water & soap does a great job. If you want to disinfect it, wash it and then put it in boiling water for five minutes or the top rack of a dishwasher. Couldn’t be much simpler.
So if you like to start off with a slim toy at the beginning of your prostate fun or if you’re just beginning to explore it, pick up a Bootie Silicone Anal Plug at Good Vibrations. See for yourself how much fun it can be!
Opening to Receiving
“It’s so much easier to be on the giving side. To receive is much harder — one actually has to be more delicate, if I may say so. One has to help people to be more generous. By receiving from others, by letting them help you, you really aid them to become bigger, more generous, more magnanimous. You do them a service.”
-Henry Miller
It’s not only straight guys who worry about it, either. Some top-identified gay dudes think that they can’t bottom because of what that might mean. Of course, for lots of gay and bi guys, it’s simply a matter of preference- there’s a difference between “I don’t want to because I don’t enjoy it/I don’t want to do it right now.” and “I don’t want to because that would make me less macho.” After all, recent research shows that fewer than 40% of gay and bi men had anal sex the last time they had sex. So I’m certainly not going to suggest that everyone has to try it or has to like it or has to do it every time. And yet, if someone won’t do it because he’s afraid of what it might imply about him, he’s missing out on some potentially amazing fun and I think that’s unfortunate.
Part of what I find so important to bring up around this is that the messages that say that receiving penetration is unmanly are all inside our heads. They’re part of the “Act Like a Man” Box and they keep a lot of men from discovering new ways to experience pleasure and have fun. And a lot of men’s partners have told me that they wish that their guys could get over that.
There’s something incredibly powerful about a man who can be fully present in his masculinity while also being open and receptive. Something life-changing happens when you realize that you can let go of the shame, relax, and receive without worrying about being less of a man. In my experience, that’s often part of the process of letting go of the performance model of masculinity and learning to pick and choose which facets of your gender are authentically yours and which are externally imposed. Sure, you can certainly engage in that work without receiving anal play, but there things that the embodied experience can teach you that no amount of talking or processing ever can. It’s a profoundly transformative experience that can’t really be described- you just have to lean into the scary places and see for yourself.
And let’s not forget that learning to receive makes more room to discover the amazing pleasures of prostate play. When it comes to sexual pleasure, the prostate is very similar to the G-spot. Men who have tried prostate stimulation often say that the orgasms feel more expansive or bigger. They might learn how to have multiple (non-ejaculatory) orgasms, riding wave after wave of pleasure. And lots of men have discovered that it has made them better lovers and more attuned to their partner’s bodies and desires. If that’s not a great incentive, I don’t know what is!
Letting these inflexible notions of what it means to be a man keep you from experiencing something so amazing seems like a pity to me. I know that it can be scary. And I’ve also talked with enough men of all sexual orientations who have discovered incredible pleasure once they let go of these ideas to know how powerful that experience can be. So my suggestion to you is to try it out. You might really be surprised by how much fun you can have and how much it can change your entire perspective on what it means to be a man.
Kegels Make Prostate Play Easier
It’s a pretty good bet that if you’ve heard of Kegel exercises, you’ve only heard about them for women. After all, there have been plenty of articles that talk about how strengthening the PC muscle can help women who experience urinary incontinence, improve sexual response, and intensify orgasms. But did you know that men have PC muscles, too?
The pubococcygeus muscle runs from the pubic bone in front to the coccyx in back. It’s a hammock-like muscle, with openings for the rectum and urethra. It’s one of the muscles that propels semen during ejaculation and if you’ve ever made your penis bounce when you had an erection, the PC muscle is probably what was doing it.
It’s pretty common for men to have PC muscles that are both tight and weak. If you spend too much time sitting at a desk or in a car, you can put a lot of pressure on the muscle and that can make it lose tone, which can have several different effects on sexual response. For example, if the PC muscle gets tired easily, your orgasms will be both shorter and less intense. It can also lead to erection difficulties, and it can make anal penetration more challenging. Fortunately, it’s easy to deal with.
The first step is to figure out how to squeeze the PC muscle. The best way to do that is to sit on the toilet and start to urinate. Then, stop the flow. That muscle you used was the PC. Once you know how to isolate it, you can squeeze and relax it to build tone. You don’t want to do that by stopping the flow of urine- that’s just for the first time to make sure you found the right muscle. The exercises are called Kegels since Dr. Arnold Kegel published the first research paper on them in 1948.
Some easy ways to tone the muscle once you’ve found it are:
- squeeze & release on a two-count
- squeeze & release on a four-count
- squeeze and hold, followed by a release
- butterflies- quick squeezes followed by a release
It’s important to release and relax the PC muscle. You definitely don’t want to cause muscle spasms. And as a personal trainer will tell you, letting the muscle rest is how it builds tone.
But more important than that, when you can control the PC muscle and help it relax, you make receiving anal penetration easier. That’s because it’s all about relaxing the pelvic floor, not forcing it to stretch. Kegel exercises are a great way to learn how to do that “on command,” so it becomes much easier to do prostate play. You might also find that your orgasms last longer since the muscles don’t get tired as quickly, and you might also have firmer erections, too.
Of course, it can be hard to remember to do your Kegel exercises or to do them right. If you have an iphone, check out the app Kegel Camp, created by Emily Morse of the Sex With Emily podcast. It’ll remind you each day to do your Kegels and you have to complete each level five times within a week to ramp up to the next one. With 20 levels to do, it’s an excellent way to make sure you don’t overdo it. Plus, the app comes with a discount code for 15% off at Good Vibrations, where you can find lots of amazing prostate toys, lubricants, and more!
One important thing to know about Kegels: if you’re experiencing pelvic pain or muscle spasms, it’s a good idea to get that checked before toning the PC muscle. Tightening muscles that are already too tight can make it worse. Remember- the goal is to be able to both squeeze and relax. I highly recommend the Pelvic Health Rehabilitation Center for that. They work with people of all genders who are dealing with pelvic pain and they’re available for phone consultation. If you can’t make it to one of their offices, I’d trust any recommendation of theirs for a resource in your area.
Whether you’re new to prostate pleasure or you’ve been doing it for a while, try doing your Kegels. And we’d love to hear from you about how it affected things. Drop us a note or comment below and let us know how Kegels changed your prostate fun!