It’s Not About The Size

One of the most frequent questions I hear about prostate play (once we get past the common concerns) is whether something as slim as a finger or the Aneros MGX is going to do anything. After all, we’re so used to thinking that bigger is better, so how can a slender toy or a finger be effective?

First off, can we please set aside the whole “more is better” attitude? Each person has their own preferences for length and width, whether that’s for anal or vaginal play, and too big can be really uncomfortable. As the old joke goes, the difference between “ouch” and “yum” is about two inches. That’s especially true for anal play, since the rectum has a 90 degree bend about 6-8 inches in, and that doesn’t address the question of width at all. A lot of anal enthusiasts prefer width over length, but even so, there’s still a point at which wider becomes painful.

Something that a lot of people don’t realize is that once your toy is wider than the prostate, going bigger doesn’t get you more prostate sensation. If you think about it, it makes sense. You can’t get more surface area contact with a toy that’s wider than the prostate and unlike the anus or the vagina, the prostate isn’t getting stretched any further. So while bigger toys can offer more anal or vaginal sensation, there’s a maximum size for prostate pleasure.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy the added anal stimulation. But anal pleasure and prostate pleasure are different. In fact, some of the men we surveyed for the book said that if they could get direct prostate massage without anal penetration they would, some said that they liked both together, and others reported that sometimes they wanted one, and sometimes they wanted the other. In fact, at least one guy said that he doesn’t really enjoy prostate sensations at all, but that he really likes anal play. All of that parallels what women say about the G-spot.

And then there’s the fact that a smaller surface can actually offer more intense pleasures. Think about the difference between having someone rub your back with the point of their thumb versus their entire hand. The same force over a smaller surface area means more pressure. This is less of a factor for fingers since you can apply pressure with two or three fingers, but when we’re talking about a dildo or an Aneros toy, you can often get more pleasure from something slimmer. Sometimes, less is more.

Besides, when it comes to anal play, it’s good to have more possibilities available to you. The anal and pelvic muscles can get tight, especially if you’ve been sitting in a chair or a car for hours, or if you’re feeling stressed. Even experienced anal players have days when their bodies don’t want large toys, just as we have days when we don’t feel all that hungry for dinner. If you get too attached to the ideas that bigger is always better or that you should be able to handle the same toy that you could handle last time, you’re a lot more likely to have an unpleasant time or even end up hurting yourself.

So if you’re looking for a dildo or other toy for prostate fun, don’t get too worried about the size. You can have a mind-blowing time with something as slim as a finger. And that is a fantastic way to enjoy prostate fun.

There is no stigma around prostate massage

The stigma comes up around anal penetration for men.

When talking about our book, folks sometimes say things like “Prostate play is something which has long since been taboo.”

This is true in so far as prostate massage involves anal penetration. But in my opinion, it’s not prostate stimulation, per se, that is taboo.

I would say that the prostate is first and foremost unrecognized as an erogenous area (though that has been changing lately as this practice grows in popularity).

When folks think of the prostate, they tend to think of cancer and uncomfortable visits to their doctor’s office. They don’t typically think of a healthy prostate throbbing with erotic energy and pulsing with ejaculatory contractions. Many men don’t even know they have a prostate until they start having prostate health issues.

For these reasons, I do think that folks sometimes feel ambivalent toward prostate stimulation specifically, but that is simply the result of our enduring tendency to think of this organ in terms of disease, rather than in terms of sexual function and pleasure.

Anal penetration, on the other hand, is plenty stigmatized. And this is doubly true when the receiver is a man.

Lots of folks shrink away from the anal area as a source of sexual pleasure because of fear of “the mess” or the expectation that it will hurt. But for many men, the real mental roadblock comes from the idea that penetration is in conflict with masculinity: that it is an act of domination, that being penetrated is the “woman’s role” in sex, or (if he’s straight) that a desire to be penetrated means that he is secretly gay.

I’d wager that if the prostate were accessible without anal penetration, men would massage theirs without hesitation. As CT from Aneros likes to say, “If your prostate was up your nose, you’d pick it all day!”

Ok, that image is a little crude, but the point is valid just the same. If men could reach their prostate without anal penetration, clearly it would be considered just as “normal” to pleasure this area as other areas of a his sex equipment.

Actually, the prostate can be stimulated without penetration – by applying pressure through the perineum (aka the “taint”). It doesn’t feel as intense, but it can give you a glimpse of what this pleasure is all about, especially if you do it leading up to and during orgasm.

This technique is all over sex tip lists and women’s magazines, and has been for years. Sometimes, it is even identified as the prostate or “male g-spot” area that is being pleasured.

Yet notice how there is no sense that it’s makes him less of a man if you apply pressure to the prostate through the perineum.

Of course not. Because there is no stigma around prostate pleasure.  All the uncomfortable feelings come up when penetration gets involved.

Not all men or partners of men struggle with the idea that penetrating him is in conflict with masculinity, but enough people do have these concerns that we actually devoted an entire chapter to it in our book.

If you’d like a taste of our perspective on the subject, check out our page “Do men really like this?”  

Follow the pleasure! Go where it leads you.

Blog Tour & Giveaway for The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure

Things have been really exciting around here lately. Aislinn and I have been on the road to get the word out about The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure and we’ve had a great time. So far, we’ve been to Boston, Seattle (twice), Portland, LA, San Diego, Albuquerque, Santa Cruz, and a bunch of places throughout the San Francisco Bay Area. Our tour is going to cover most of the US and parts of Canada and we’d love to see you when we’re in your town. Check out our schedule for all of our upcoming dates.

We’re also taking things in a different direction this week with our blog tour. We’ll be showing up at some of our favorite websites. Look for posts and reviews by Greta Christina, Adriana Ravenlust, Clitical.com, Sex City Radio, BoyCulture.com, and Sexational. I’m excited to see what these amazing folks have to say about the book!

If you haven’t had a chance to pick up your copy of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure, or if you have someone you’d like to send one to, we’re doing a giveaway. If you’re the lucky winner, you’ll get one sent right to your door. Simply login below and click as many of the entry options as you want. You can enter by following us on Facebook or Twitter, tweeting about the contest, or naming your favorite prostate toy. A winner will be picked on May 29 and will be notified by email. Good luck and have fun!

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The Aneros Vice Vibrating Silicone Anal Toy Will Rock Your World

When you’re ready to experience the ultimate in hands-free prostate pleasure, you don’t need to look any further than the Aneros Vice. This amazing gadget has it all.

As with all of their other products, the folks with Aneros took their time to create something special. Made from body-safe silicone, the Vice is designed to rest comfortably against the prostate. With an insertable length of 4″, it’s long enough to hit the spot without being too big. But what makes the Vice really stand out is the vibrator.

Most anal toys either focus the vibration at the base, where it’s great for anal sensations but not so fun for the prostate, or they’re really buzzy, which can make the prostate tune out. For the Vice, the vibrator is long enough to put the tip right where the prostate is, maximizing your pleasure. And rather than being a buzzy little motor, the vibe is ultra-quiet and offers pulsing vibrations that are much more enjoyable for prostate play. There are three patterns, each of which has three levels of intensity, so you have lots of choices.

Like the rest of the Aneros line, the Vice can be moved by contracting your pelvic floor, so you can lever it into your prostate for a deeper vibration. You can also wear it during sex and every time you thrust or move your hips, it’ll massage your p-spot. It’s an incredible combination that nothing else comes close to.

Since the Vice is made from silicone, it’s super easy to clean. Just slide the vibrator out and wash it with soap and water. The vibe is water-resistant, so you can drop it in the sink, too. And if you want to disinfect the silicone, just wash it and then put it in the top rack of a dishwasher or boiling water for five minutes. It couldn’t be easier.

The only difficulty you might have with the Vice is that pressing the button on the vibe to change speeds can be tricky when there’s lube on it. It’s definitely easier if you wipe any lube off before trying to adjust the setting. I always suggest laying a towel down before prostate play, just to be sure to not get lube on the sheets, so it’s not hard to grab a corner of it.

All in all, the Aneros Vice is a serious winner and there’s nothing else like it. When you’re ready for a toe-curling experience pick one of these up and get ready for a fun ride!

Prostate Massage Without Penetration: The Sweet Spot

I often get asked whether anal penetration is the only way to do prostate massage. You might be surprised to hear that the answer is no. You can do lots of fun prostate play by massaging the perineum, which is the area between the balls and the anus.
The prostate is a few inches above the perineum, so the sensations from a firm massage get transmitted through the muscles and other tissues in between, into the prostate. It’s not as intense as when you do anal penetration. Think of it like massaging someone’s shoulders when they’re wearing a sweater versus bare skin. But it’s a great way to add a little extra something to oral sex, or to try prostate sensations if you’re nervous about anal play, or if you just want to enjoy prostate pleasure but don’t feel like getting out the gloves and lube. In fact, so many guys enjoy it that we like calling it the “sweet spot.” Besides, that’s a much sexier name than “perineum.”

Massaging the sweet spot is more likely to feel good on your prostate if your penis is erect since the firmer tissue will transmit sensation more deeply. Finding the right point can take a little exploration. Put one or two fingertips right behind the scrotum and push in firmly. Hold for a few seconds before releasing, and then try a spot a little further towards the anus. Try different amounts of pressure, but don’t press so much that it’s uncomfortable. For most men, the sweet spot is closer to the anus than the balls, but it can vary.

What you’re looking for is an area where the pressure feels a bit different. It might feel like a slight tingle or other subtle sensation, especially if you’ve never done any direct prostate stimulation. It can be easier to find the sweet spot if you’ve also done prostate massage with anal penetration since you’ll be more familiar with where it is and how it feels.

Try doing long presses with your fingertips, or hold deep pressure and vibrate your fingers quickly. You can also try small circles, as long as you’re careful to not scratch with your fingernails. Some guys like to sit on a tennis ball or rolled up socks. And if you have a Magic Wand Vibrator (formerly known as the Hitachi), the super strong vibrations are perfect for sweet spot massage. Try it with a Silicone Pop Top for some fun variations on the texture.

If you’re doing this on a partner, you can try all of those tips, on their own or during oral sex or a handjob. You can also press deeply with the heel of your hand, or even make a fist and roll your knuckles over the area as if you were kneading dough. And if you’re doing prostate massage with a couple of fingers inside him, use your thumb or your other hand to stimulate his sweet spot.

It may take a while to feel the sweet spot, during this session or over the course of several sessions, so don’t give up right away. Have fun doing whatever you normally do, and let this exploration be the icing on the cake. Be sure to keep up familiar forms of stimulation so that the arousal stays high.

If you are looking all over the perineum and can’t find anything, take a break. Do something else you enjoy and try again in five or ten minutes. You might also try massaging the perineum during ejaculation. Since the prostate is most swollen and sensitive at that point, it’s more sensitive to pressure. Just remember- this is about feeling good, so don’t stress if it doesn’t happen right away. Have fun!

The Jopen Ego e4: A Fun New Prostate Massager

Jopen Ego e4 at Good VibrationsI can tell that attitudes about prostate play are changing with all of the new massagers and toys available these days. The folks at Jopen recently sent me their latest p-spot pleasure toy, the Ego e4.

Like the rest of the Ego line, the e4 is a rechargeable vibrator and it plugs into any USB port. It’s covered in silicone, so it’s easy to clean, though there is a small opening in the base for the charging plug. Given how lube tends to get in the most unexpected places, I think it’s probably a good idea to cover this one with a condom.

The insertable portion is 3.5″ x 1.5″ (9 cm x 3.75 cm), which is pretty much a perfect size for reaching the prostate. Although anal novices might find that the width takes a little warm-up, it’s just wide enough to allow maximum surface area when the prostate expands during your arousal cycle.

There’s a vibrator in the bulb at each end of the toy, so when it’s all the way in, you’ll get sensation on the prostate and the perineum. That’s a big plus because perineum massage can send sensation up into the prostate from below. It’s not as intense as from direct contact through anal penetration, but the combination of the two together can be amazing. And while the motors are quite strong, the e4 is surprisingly quiet.

Once the e4 is charged and ready to go, you switch it on by holding down the button in the base. Keep holding it down until it reaches the intensity you want. To turn it off, just click the button. Unlike some anal vibrators, it’s not too difficult to adjust the speed while using it, but to lower the speed, you have to turn it off and then back on.

So how does the e4 work? For some things, quite well. The vibrations are strong enough to give amazing pleasure without that buzzy sensation that some toys have. You can use the base to lever the bulb into the prostate, if you want a deeper massage. It’s a bit too heavy for muscular contractions to lever it into the prostate, so unlike the Aneros products, lying on your back means moving it by hand. But if you’re face down, you’re working with gravity and you don’t need to control it manually.

One position that the e4 works really well for is sitting. When you rock your hips back, the corner of the toy acts like a pivot point and presses the bulb right into your p-spot. When you rock forward, the external vibe presses into your perineum. That makes it a great toy to use when sitting on the couch (like while watching a sexy movie or getting a blowjob) or while sitting on a chair. Skype sex or video chat, anyone?

You can also have a lot of fun with the e4 during intercourse. Missionary position, or a rear-entry position that lets you stand or kneel will probably work better than lying on your back.

There are some improvements I’d like to see for this toy. The hole for the charging port is a flaw. The magnetic induction chargers that some manufacturers use would be a big plus. I also think that being able to lower the intensity without turning the toy off would make it better, or even a remote control. I might also make the transition between the bulb and the neck more like a buttplug to make it easier to hold in in place. But beyond that, it’s a good design and works really well. If you enjoy prostate massage, give the e4 a try.

Add A Little Extra To Pegging With These Great Toys

I get a lot of questions from women who want to try pegging or who have given it a shot, and want to get a little more pleasure out of the experience. Of course, lots of women get off on the experience of pegging, even if they don’t get much direct physical stimulation from it. But there are also some great toys that will give you some extra action.

Some harnesses let you place the base of your dildo low enough down that it rests on your clitoris. That means that every thrust presses it into you, which can be enough in itself for some women. I even know one dedicated harness user who added a clitoral hood piercing so that the bead on the ring would hit the spot. Now, that’s not something that everyone will want to do, but it does show how creative people get when it comes to sex!

Low-rise harnesses will work better for this, and Spareparts makes some awesome ones. The Tomboi and the Sasha are especially good because they’re designed to have a little stretch. When you pull back, the base of the dildo move a little away from your body, so when you push back in, you’ll get even more sensation. (Here’s a review of the Sasha.) One of the great features of these harnesses is that they simply pull on, so they’re super easy to use. They’re also machine-washable, making clean up a snap. I also like how the ring that holds the dildo is sewn in, rather that being held in by straps, because there aren’t any snaps to bump into anyone’s tender parts. A lot of women who have used these harnesses have said that they were able to orgasm from the clitoral stimulation, which makes pegging awesome!

Another great choice is the Feeldoe. You insert the bulb into your vagina and use your PC muscles to hold it there while using the other end on your partner. There’s also a vibrator for added fun, as well as small ridges to press against your clitoris. And just so you know, the shaft isn’t as long as it looks in the photo because the wearer’s body takes up a few inches of it. The insertable portion is about 6 inches (15 cm) long.

The Feeldoe can be a little tricky to hold onto, and the difficulty is that making the bulb bigger also makes it less comfortable for some women. If it slips out at the wrong moment, try wearing the Feeldoe in a low-rise harness to get a little extra support. It’s a great combination.

Want some other choices? Some harnesses like the Vibrating Corsette Harness have a mini vibrator that slips into a pocket in the front pad. If you enjoy vibrators, these can be a fantastic way to get some extra stimulation. These harnesses are super adjustable, machine washable, and quite comfortable. They’re also a great choice if you’re new to pegging because they cost less than some other models. That makes them a good starter harness for a lot of folks. Plus, the wider strap across the back looks really sexy.

If you like G-spot pleasure, take a look at the Smartballs. They have a small marble that rolls around inside of them. Insert them into your vagina and each time you move your hips, you’ll get a little hands-free G-spot action. The single ball might be easier for some women, especially during pegging, but if you want a lot of stimulation, try the double. The Smartballs are coated in body-safe silicone (including the string), so washing them is easy. I’ve also heard from some women who wear them when they go out dancing.

Speaking of toys that work well for pegging and for dancing, check out the Club Vibe. It looks like a standard bullet vibrator, but the battery pack picks up on any background noise to control the vibrator. It works really well at at club since each beat of the music will make it pulse. But you can also have a great time with it during sex since every time you or your partner makes a sound, the vibrator will switch on. There’s a lot of potential for a feedback loop: the more noise you make, the more it vibrates and the more it vibrates, the better it feels. Just don’t wake up the neighbors!

The Club Vibe 2.0 is a bit bigger, and it’s designed to slip into a pair of panties for a night out on the town. But I bet it would work really well with the Tomboi or Sasha harnesses. (I haven’t had anyone test this yet, so if you’ve given it a try, I’d love to hear how it worked.)

Don’t forget that lots of women enjoy anal play, too. You can wear a butt plug while pegging your partner. Just make sure that the bulb is wide enough relative to the neck to stay in during vigorous action. The Bootie Plug (reviewed here) and the larger Bootsy Plug both have an asymmetric shape that makes it easier to insert. Rather than going straight in, try sliding them in on a C-curve that follows the shape of the toy. The slim base means that you can put your legs in any position without losing the toy.

As you can see, there are lots of ways to make sure that pegging is as fun for you as it is for him. It takes a little creativity and some experimentation, but it’s definitely worth it. After all, sex is even more fun when you’re both seeing fireworks. Have fun!

Three Ways To Give An Amazing Prostate Massage

Prostate massage can be one of the most incredible sexual experiences. Fingers are incredibly sensitive and versatile, so you can give your partner all sorts of different pleasures. Here are some tips to supercharge your techniques.

First, more isn’t always better. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if a little is good, more will rock your guy’s world, but that’s not how it works. Think of it like music. You want it loud enough to hear, but not so loud that it hurts your ears. When you press too firmly on the prostate, you want that middle zone, too.

That can be a little tricky because when you get excited, it’s easy to go harder or faster than feels good for your partner. Try playing some music with a steady beat to keep you on your rhythm. If you catch yourself speeding up, just listen to the music to catch the right tempo! Go for something in the range of 110-120 beats per minute. Here’s a website that lists lots of different genres of music, sorted by speed. Find a few of your favorite songs and make a prostate playlist!

The same thing applies when we’re talking about how much pressure to use. Each guy is a bit different, so you’ll need to experiment. And how much pressure he likes will vary as his prostate engorges and the sensations change. Start off with about as much force as you use when you type, and then play with slightly less and a bit more. With some experimentation, you can zero in on what works for him. Just remember that there’s a maximum, after which it can become uncomfortable.

Second, change things up every so often. When you do the same thing over and over, the nerves get used to it and it stops feeling as good. It’s rather like tickling someone- if you don’t vary your technique, it’ll stop working. Every couple of minutes, switch up what you’re doing- tapping, circles, jostling, the “come hither” strokes (we describe three of them in our book). There are lots of different finger moves, so you have a lot to play with.

You can also change the intensity. When you go from deeper touch to softer, or the other way around, you’ll catch his attention and keep him focused on the pleasure. Or try your finger moves on different parts of the prostate. It’s big enough that you can work on one side and then the other, or the deeper portion and then the shallower portion. You can work the entire gland, and then just one area. You both might be surprised at how good that can feel.

Having said all that, when he’s getting close to orgasm, don’t vary what you’re doing. Stick with it because changing things up at that point can derail the process and actually lower the pleasure right when you want it most.

And lastly, ask him to tell you how it feels. The best way for you to know what effect your fingers are having is to get him to let you know. One good way to do that is pretty similar to getting your eyes checked. Do one technique for 15-20 seconds, and then do another one. Have him tell you which one he liked more. Another method is to have him tell you on a scale of 1-10 how much he’s enjoying what you’re doing. Each time you vary the technique, tempo, or pressure, ask him again. That’ll give you plenty of useful info for future sessions. Just remember that how he rates each technique might change as he moves through his arousal cycle.

So there you have it. Three easy ways to make prostate massage incredible. Pick up a copy of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure (available in paperback and Kindle) for lots more tips and all the info you need to discover new ways to enjoy prostate play. Have fun!

Does Anal Sex Cause Hemorrhoids?

Here’s a question I got on Facebook:

Do you have a grasp of the research on the link between anal sex as a cause for hemorrhoids? Any chance you’ve encountered something like a metastudy?

Some sex educators and columnists claim there’s no link. And I see some medical sites do claim a link, but these same sites also use weirdly moralizing tones about anal sex (i.e. it’s not natural, not designed for sex, etc).

While there’s not much good research on the topic, here’s what I can tell you.

Hemorrhoids are like varicose veins, but instead of happening in the legs, they happen in the blood vessels in the anus. They can occur when the pelvic and anal muscles are too tight, which traps blood in the veins, so they bulge out, sort of like a bicycle innertube pushing out through a weak spot in the tire. There are different reasons people get them such as constipation causing them to squeeze extra hard when they have a bowel movement, the extra pressure on the pelvic floor during pregnancy, or long term stress making the pelvic muscles tighten for extended periods without relaxing (especially during prolonged sitting or driving). Unfortunately, a minor case of hemorrhoids can be uncomfortable, causing an itching or burning sensation. That feeling can, in turn, make the anus tighten further and create an ongoing cycle of discomfort and muscle tension.

Some folks wonder whether anal sex can cause hemorrhoids, but when it’s done correctly, anal sex can actually help you avoid them by helping the pelvic floor to relax. The trick is to never go further than your body is capable of enjoying because if you do, it’ll make the muscles tighten up. In fact, mild cases of hemorrhoids can be helped by gentle anal massage, in much the same way that any tight muscles can be encouraged to relax through massage. I’m talking about a finger, a slim buttplug, or perhaps one of the Aneros products. The goal is to be very slow, and very mild. It’s not about sexual stimulation as much as soft touch. Given the discomfort, you probably don’t want to have much anal play when you have a case of hemorrhoids, anyway. If you’re experiencing hemorrhoids, it can also help to slip on a glove and lubricate the anus a before bowel movement in order to reduce how much you need to squeeze. That’s especially beneficial if you’re having constipation or for pregnant women.

It is possible for anal sex to lead to hemorrhoids when it’s not done right. If, for example, you don’t use enough lubricant or if you go faster than your body prefers, you can end up irritating the sensitive anal tissues. That can cause the muscles to tighten up in response to the discomfort, which can lead to hemorrhoids. Anecdotally, I’ve heard of this happening when folks are drunk or stoned past the point of being able to pay attention to the signals during sex that would be telling them to add lube or slow down. The same thing can happen when the receiver doesn’t feel comfortable telling their partner what they need during anal sex. And if you have a minor case of hemorrhoids, anal play can irritate them and make them worse.

So the answer to your question is: sort of. Anal sex really does require a fair bit of know-how to do safely and pleasurably, just as lifting weights needs to be done correctly to avoid injury. That’s why we have a whole chapter devoted just to that in our book.

And yes, a lot of people do have some unfortunate anal-phobic attitudes. That doesn’t mean that they know what they’re talking about. After all, lifting weights isn’t all that “natural” either, but I’ve never heard anyone say that people shouldn’t do it on that account. So don’t let those attitudes get in your way. Listen to your body, follow the pleasure, and have fun!

If you have questions about any kind of sex or sexual health issue, drop me a note through our contact form, through my website, or through Facebook. I’m always happy to track down info and help you have the best sex you can!

USB Butt Plug Revolutionizes Sex Toy Technology

Sex toy technology has been advancing in leaps and bounds in recent years, from fucking machines to remote control toys to vibes that buzz to the beat of the music that you are playing.

But I was amazed when I discovered the newest development in sex toys tech: the USB Butt Plug.

When inserted, this remarkable toy harnesses the bioelectric energy of the root chakra, thereby charging your USB compatible devices while you wear it. Simply apply the same kind of lube that you’d use with any electrostim device, insert, plug in your mp3 player or phone, get yourself good and aroused to key up the nerve activity in the prostate area, and it charges your gadgets while you wear it!

The innovative creators of this toy are currently developing a larger model with a standard electrical outlet, so you can plug in your hitachi or other electric vibe, eliminating the need for extension cords. The projected release date is next year on April Fool’s Day. I can’t wait!